Forget tanking your GPA or spontaneously dating a Hell’s Angel: If you really want to piss off your parents, consider getting your hands on an all-access pass to the 2018 Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival. Because if crashing the family's shared Chevy Cruze into a median while texting doesn't do the trick, heading westward for a concert series is sure to get mom and dad good and riled up.

First timer? Let’s make sure you're able to survive the week-plus pilgrimage to Indio, California, an annual convergence of aspiring app developers, twentysomethings on indefinite sabbatical and coeds who think feather applique is cutting-edge. Hey, look, neoprene with unexpected cut-outs!

Mostly, though — at least this year — the Coachella crowd amounts to a collection of people who've taken out supplemental mortgages to see Beyonce.

Yup, come April 13, Queen Bey, herself, will reign over the event as the headliner (SZA, Haim, Cardi B, Miguel, The Weeknd and Eminem will also perform, lest we forget). And this means that, consequently, throngs of disciples will crowd the general admissions area with unprecedented arm-flails and throat-shredding pleas for "Single Ladies" or a more favorable stage lighting for selfies.

Yes, you are really in for a doozy, festival-goer, but we're not gonna let you make a fool of yourself. Below, we've collected six style essentials for your inaugural Coachella outing that'll ensure you look less first-timer and more sunburned, seasoned veteran. Check it all out, and remember, don't accept Clif Bars from strangers.

 

  • 1

    Shirt that reads 'Get Away From Me'

    Okay, sure, Coachella is executed each year in the spirit of unity, but this garment will communicate your real sentiments: "If you keep bumping my hip, I'm going to dead-leg you until your ACL tears."

    Love crowds!

    (Available at RedBubble)

    Red Bubble
  • 2

    Requisite Beyonce Totem

    This year, going to Coachella without sporting a Lemonade tank top or "XO" earrings would be like going to a Christmas party in a potato sack. Want to avoid piercing glares? GET YOU BODIED (socks), GIRL!

    (Available at Shop.Beyonce.com)

    Shop.Beyonce.com
  • 3

    Light-up sneaks, so you can see whose ass you're kicking

    Don't get us wrong: We at PopCrush do not condone violence. Still, brawls breaking out at festivals — especially such a coveted one — are as inevitable as $5 bottles of water. So when it's dark, and you're trying to protect you're friend Brad from a sudden scuffle, let's make sure you're not accidentally beating him senseless, instead.

    (Available at HoverKicks)

    HoverKicks
  • 4

    Pearls (for clutching!)

    Did we mention Beyonce is performing? In the event seeing the flawless deity up-close is just too much to handle, easily siphon some of your body's excess adrenaline out by yanking this synthetic thread and stretching it as far as it'll go. Who needs prescription narcotics when you've got the jewelry equivalent to a stress ball!

    (Available at Amazon)

    Amazong
  • 5

    Black Handkerchief with beguiling pattern

    Sure, you can wear it as pocket square or neck wrap (get 'em cowboy!), but ultimately, this piece is for utility's sake. Whether you're mopping up your friend's puke, blotting tears or fashioning the fabric into a lifesaving tourniquet (those fence tips are so sharp!!!), this paisley number is sure to keep you covered. Thanks, Ryan Seacrest collection!

    (Available at Macy's)

    Macy's
  • 6

    Misspelled 'Straight Outta Cochela' Hoodie, Unisex

    CONUNDRUM! You of course need a souvenir, but have already bankrupted yourself by trekking to the festival in the first place. Well, you're not above buying tuna in a dented can, so what's wrong with a hoodie that's got a small defect? It's likely everyone will be too drunk on Gatorade cocktails to notice anyway. And if you're particularly sensitive about the possibility of being outed, just hunch over a little bit.

    See? Bases covered!

    (Available at Straightoutta-apparel.com)

    Straight Outta Apparel